This is a post for all of you who have trouble expressing yourself. As the youngest child of a loud family, I have the opposite problem, but I get that this can be difficult for you polite folks out there.
There are many, many reasons why assertive and healthy self-expression may be tricky for you, and most likely there isn’t one, single reason but instead a cluster of factors (we humans are never simple, right?).
1) Family history and upbringing. If you grew up in a family where the adults didn’t express themselves in productive and meaningful ways, then it can be like learning a second language. You may have lived with caregivers who held back verbally, and this can make it difficult to learn but not impossible. I like to think that we can spend our whole lives continuing to look for mentors and role models. Sometimes these are real people in our life (like a friend with great verbal skills) or famous people (ask yourself “what would Michelle Obama do?”) or even fictional characters (for example, you could pick a character from a TV show that you really respect and try emulating them -- cough. cough. Leslie Knope).
2) History of punishment. It’s possible that your self-expression in the past has been punished or mocked or that you’ve seen others punished or mocked for self-expression. For example, if your siblings or peers teased you for everything you said, then it may be difficult to speak up now (because it’s hard to get rid of that nagging voice telling you that people around you are waiting for you to mess up). Or perhaps you saw one of the adult caregivers in your home mock others. Even though you logically understand that your feelings and thoughts are valid, it’s hard to undo this kind of lesson (especially when it happens early on and/or repeatedly). This is where a therapist will be helpful as we are trained to help you evaluate automatic thoughts (such as “everyone is going to laugh at you” or “no one wants to hear what you have to say.”) Further, we can help you come up with alternative thoughts to replace these and practice using these alternatives until it becomes natural (such as “people who love me also love to know what I’m thinking,” and “I have the right to express myself,” and “I don’t need to say things perfectly; my thoughts are better out than in.”).
3) Anxiety in general. If you experience a great amount of anxiety, your difficulty expressing yourself may be a symptom of this larger issue. Speaking with a therapist about anxiety will be very helpful as there are many evidence-based methods to reduce fear and fear-based avoidance.
Finally I want to remind you that not everyone expresses themselves in the same way. We usually use a combination of any of these methods: verbal (simply stating our feelings, thoughts and intentions); non-verbal (using our body language and facial expressions), using touch (like consensually hugging people we love), or using other love languages. For example, the members of my family often express care and love through food and cooking. Some people like to fix things or help around the house. Some people use art or music to convey love and other emotions. If you fall in to the group that expresses themselves in these other ways, while you work on becoming more direct and verbal with your thoughts you can explain this to your loved ones. For example you might say, “it’s hard for me to express myself sometimes. I’m practicing and working on it, but I also want you to know that when I make you coffee (or whatever your love language is), that’s a way I’m telling you I care.”
You may also want to research assertiveness and learning how to express some of the more difficult emotions. A book I can particularly recommend is the Dance of Anger (by the fantastic author Harriet Lerner), a classic about self expression that helped me many years ago.
Just remember: speaking up is not going to be comfortable at first. Waiting to feel perfectly at ease means it probably won’t happen. So practice in small ways and see what you can tolerate. I can’t wait to hear your voice!